The Anatomy of A Heart

Since the time I was approximately 14 or 15 years old, I always had a boyfriend...or two. Despite my strange exterior, I managed to attract a multitude of really, really attractive young men, and seemed to typically be less interested in them, than they were in me. My family was baffled by the type of guy I managed to pull, more suited for the Abercrombie&Fitch high school cheerleader than the psuedo-goth artist. Although I only had a couple of girl friends, I was always receiving a constant stream of calls, voice mails, and eventually text messages from all types of young men. I recall even finding it terribly entertaining to enter a group of friends, make out with two or three of the most coveted and attractive, and then move forward with my destructive behavior to another clique.

I can't say I had much to offer these guys. Although I've always been relatively intelligent and funny, I've never been the hottest, or most popular, or best dressed; I was always just me! Fast forward to college and leaving behind a one year relationship with a male model/football star (yes I am serious). Also leaving a boyfriend subsequent to the jock, my first bi-racial relationship, a short and extremely passionate fling with a nomad staying in Phoenix for the summer. Shortly after I begun my collegiate education at the U of A, I met *Jake, a blond-haired, blue eyed all American type from Boston that had a mysteriously shy personality, and an affinity for basketball shorts and rap-music. Initially I resisted the idea of an exclusive relationship, as I thought it might be interesting to have so many new males at my disposal with zero parental supervision. However, we did decide to be together, and our relationship moved quickly. We were great friends as well as lovers, and I would look forward tremendously to the time we would spend together whether it be hanging out on campus, or running around Boston on school breaks together, he showing me the city like my very own tour guide. The relationship was mostly without flaws, with the exception of a couple infamous Liz explosions, (incited by him, of course) but as the second year moved on, we grew apart. He became immersed in a lifestyle of drinking and drug use, which exacerbated any problems we already had, and he ultimately chose to stay in MA after summer of our sophmore year.



This decision came of little surprise or disappointment to me, as I had already moved on for the most part with another individual, a dorm mate of Jake's who had become a close friend of mine before he left Tuscon to spend his sophmore year in San Diego, a decision I was terribly disappointed by as I had already started to develop feelings for him. I didn't see this other guy, *Brian, for the entirety of the sophmore year, but after a family trip to San Diego the following summer, and some time spent with him (seeing Anchorman, and hanging out at his parent's amazing home in Del Mar) my feelings had blossomed fully, and I was truthfully somewhat relieved not to feel the pain of a break-up with Jake.
Several months passed by, and Brian and I had a pretty successful long-distance relationship before we decided he would return to the U of A, and actually move into my three bedroom house with me, a home I was previously inhabiting alone. Things went well for several months before time and proximity, more the latter, took their toll on the young relationship, and I ended it. It was one of the most painful things I had ever experienced, but I felt it was necessary as I loved him no longer as a boyfriend, but once again as a friend, as I had years prior.



It wasn't until a year later that I met Rob. I wont even protect his name here as he is the doesn't deserve it. My relationship with Rob requires an entire post, and I'm not even sure that would do it justice. It was the most amazing, awe-inspiring, whirlwind, traumatic, painful, degrading, tumultuous experience I have ever had in my short 25 years. He was the most charming, attractive, charismatic, successful, manipulative, cruel, abusive, careless, self-involved soul I have ever known. He led me to believe we would marry and have children and be the most lovely family. I even compromised my strict no organized-religion policy and lied to him saying that I had been "saved," attending church with him on a weekly basis. Unbeknownst to me, he had managed to carry on two relationships simultaneously in different cities (while I lived with him in Tucson, she lived in Phoenix. After he and I moved to Phoenix, she went back to Tucson). She was his ex-fiancee and girlfriend of seven years. He led me to believe that they continued contact because they were still friendly, and although I had suspicions to the point of being in tears, his words of criticism and accusations of craziness and paranoia drove me into believing he was trustworthy and that I, in fact, had the problem. Eventually he became sloppy with their romantic travel getaways and explicit "sexting" and eventually, I caught him red-handed, though I later learned there were so many times that I was so close to doing so previously. After I found out, and he attempted to repair his relationship with her, rather than me, I literally lost my mind, along with 15 lbs of necessary-for-my-health weight. It only took two weeks for him to be sick of her again, and somehow I ended up right back in his manipulative clutches, and his bed, for another two months.





It has been almost a year since I permanently ended the relationship with Rob. With the help of an extremely forceful father, and lovingly convincing mother and sister, as well as the wise words of a best friend, I "detoxed," and healed from my Rob addiction. Now here I am, stronger, more self-assured, more successful and wise, yet somehow so lonely. I have the love of wonderful, albeit crazy, family, and the support and companionship of a wonderful best friend, as well as other great relationships, yet I feel something is missing. I know that as a self-sufficient twenty-something year old female, I am supposed to embrace the single life, enjoying shopping and cocktails more than the comforts of a relationship like the quartet on Sex and the City. However that's NOT how I feel, damnit! I eat most meals alone, I go to the gym alone, I attend social functions alone, I watch movies and television alone, I drink wine alone, I wake up alone and I go to sleep alone. Humans are not intended to live in solitude this way. We are intended to love, embrace, and be together. So why, then, is it so difficult for a generally appealing young female to find a decent companion? I see couples everywhere, and although I don't envy their arguments, compromise, and other inconveniences associated with a relationship, I envy the companionship, with every ounce of my being.