An Introspective Perstpective (or Retrospective) on the Respective Year.

perspective - 5 dictionary results
per⋅spec⋅tive  [per-spek-tiv] Show IPA
–noun
1. a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface. Compare aerial perspective, linear perspective.
2. a picture employing this technique, esp. one in which it is prominent: an architect's perspective of a house.
3. a visible scene, esp. one extending to a distance; vista: a perspective on the main axis of an estate.
4. the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations look all right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.
5. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years to see local conditions in perspective.
6. the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: Your data is admirably detailed but it lacks perspective.
7. a mental view or prospect: the dismal perspective of terminally ill patients.
–adjective
8. of or pertaining to the art of perspective, or represented according to its laws.
Origin:
1350–1400; ME < ML perspectīva (ars) optical (science), perspectīvum optical glass, n. uses of fem. and neut. of perspectīvus optical, equiv. to L perspect-, ptp. s. of perspicere to look at closely (see per-, inspect ) + -īvus -ive



New Years Eve, 2008. Heidi's place of employment now, who knew?!


With a deteriorat(ed)ing relationship dictating the interaction I had with my father, and the onset of severe abdominal pain, I slid gracefully into the ninth year of the new Millennium. By the fourth week of January, I was in an outpatient surgery facility, about to be scoped end-to-end as an attempt to determine what was causing this terrible agony. Yet the results showed that nothing was physically wrong. Somehow I was unable to recognize that the explosive and sometimes frightening interaction with my family, specifically my father, subsequent to a reunion with my philandering boyfriend, Rob, might actually be to blame for my physical symptoms.


Heidi had come back to Phoenix at this point, and in the lingering beneath our friendship dynamic was also a desire to have a pure friendship with her. I don't know why, but I felt that while he was still in my life, my energy was so consumed by negativity that I was nearly incapable of holding an enjoyable friendship with a person who cared for my simply and truly, without the obligation of shared DNA.



Yeah Yeah Yeah's show

I got rid of Rob at the end of January. No longer did one of our breakups result in a lost appetite or spells of sobbing at stoplights. I felt free, now. Free from the constant yelling and torture from my father, a tactic terrifying, yet somehow effective...especially when dealing with a hard-headed pain in the ass such as myself.




Gay Rodeo in Vegas

Four months later, May 4th, 2008.

The day before my birthday, I go to the office of the home health agency with whom I am employed for our regular weekly meeting. After the office my young and chipper supervisor invites me into the HR directors office for a "chat."
I could've cut the tension with a knife and frozen my own tears in a climate that once hosted man-bashing, story-telling of drunken mistakes, and sharing meal recipes.
Her: "In the past six weeks you have had (x) amount of referrals and (y) amount of admissions."
Me: "Yes I know," I replied, "I don't know how to get my referrals to convert to admissions, my job is to generate referrals."
"Her: "Your job is to generate 'qualified' referrals," she responded, "and if you do not improve your conversion rate in the next four weeks, we will have to take further action to which may include termination."


I took the next day off for my birthday as planned, got my first tattoo, and returned to work the following day. By 4pm that Thursday, I had been called into the office from the field, and officially terminated. Why they initially gave me a probationary period only to fire me two days later, is still a great mystery.




On the train to spring beerfest


Psychological studies show that divorce or separation from a loved one, losing ones job, and death of a loved one, are the top three causes of a mental breakdown. In 2009 I experienced two of the three, but somehow as close as I came to experiencing the third in 2004, the other two seemed so minor. My father would have been weeks from death when he was diagnosed with cancer Christmas of '04, and at the time we didn't know if we would lose him shortly thereafter. Every moment at the end of that year was spent with horrific anxiety and praying that my father would not yet be taken from this Earth.



Young Jeezy show


I managed to become gainfully employed once again within three weeks of my termination, and discovered more about myself in the longest period of time I've spent without a boyfriend since the age of 16.

I guess the point I am trying to make, is that life experiences, how you handle them, and the result that ultimately manifests, are all products of one another.

A great book, "Zen and the Art of Happiness," gives the example of a young man who was fired from his job, and was so depressed that he became addicted to drugs. When an even better opportunity came along, he failed the drug test, thus losing the opportunity. Had he handled the loss of his employment with positivity and strength, the situation which seemed to be tragic at the time, would have soon revealed its purpose in his life course.



Lil' Wayne show

I found out two days ago what is going on with Rob as of late. After our breakup, Rob moved to Denver, CO. He was working within a company division of healthcare giant United Health Group. I had told Rob when we broke up that his (male anatomy) would get him in trouble someday, probably fired. Well, it seems as though while in Denver, Rob struck up a relationship with a subordinate employee. HR didn't look too fondly on that, and Rob was terminated from the organization. Mind you, this is his second termination from a large company for unethical behavior. The woman, apparently, is a wealthy divorcee with two small children. She and Rob married in October, and he is now acting as step-father to their two children, driving her Range Rover, and living in her upscale Denver home, unemployed. I pray for the well-being of these children, as Rob is a true narcissist and arguably also an alcoholic, and has now injected himself into their homes, lives, and bank accounts.

But I simultaneously thank God, and my family, for saving me from a similar fate.



Coronado Island. Ocean-view condo

2009 has dealt me some losing hands, but I have grabbed 2009 by the proverbial cojones, and showed it that my previous experiences have proven to me what is truly important in life. I have demonstrated to myself that I, Elizabeth Ann, am in
control, and no one will ever take that from me.



Heidi and I showing up at her dads 50-somthing highschool reunion, dressed up for Halloween...



Homecoming, before my drunken rant got me kicked out of my favorite Tucson bar...



Merry Christmas!

The Art of Letting Go

My favorite movie quote, I think, of the 80's is from Risky Business. It is mentioned a couple of times throughout the film, but I feel holds the most weight in the last scene of the film: "Sometimes, you just gotta say, 'What the fuck.'" What does that mean to you? In the film, it seems to mean that you have to occasionally throw caution to the wind and take risks so you can enjoy great rewards. In the context of this post, I'd like to argue that it could mean that has difficult as it may be, you have to stop worrying, even about the major things in your life.

In 2004 my father was diagnosed with a relatively rare form of bone-marrow cancer. A physician by trade and a health-nut by choice, he was the epitome of physical fitness and scientific awareness. However, we now know he was probably sick long before the official disease diagnosis.

My father was never a happy man, nor has my mother ever been one to have a positive outlook on most things. Despite these elements to their personalities, they've been wonderful parents, equal parts love, support and discipline. Now that I'm 25, I see myself taking on nearly a reversed role of constant worry about their mental, physical and spiritual well-being. Since the onset of his illness, any negativity present in our lives has been amplified tremendously, thus we all feel the pain of his illness in a multitude of ways.

Part two of my discussion pertains more to myself, the point of which I will come to shortly. I have a male friend who is as charming as he is attractive, without even trying. He is one of those uniquely beautiful, yet humble individuals you rarely come across, and needless to say I have developed a heavy torch to carry for him. He, however, is still reeling from a previous breakup and aside from that would probably not be interested anyway. Last night, after a night of drinking, his roommate and I were chatting about the situation. He mentioned that this person knows how I feel, that its pretty obvious, gently and kindly implying that the feelings were not shared. I told the roommate, "I know and It's okay. I didn't know it was that obvious though, and I just don't want to make him uncomfortable. I've been pursued by friends I wasn't interested in romantically, and it's awkward." Surprised, the roommate didn't really respond with words, rather his silence indicated the surprise with which he absorbed what I had said. I continued, "I just feel like it's normal. Everyone has crushes on people that don't like them back. It's happened before, and it will happen again." The roommate, still baffled says, "you can not possibly be this cool about this." Oddly, I was, and I am. For some reason, I'm just not really that upset about it.

The point of the two divergent situations I just explained is that despite my adult life, I hold far more anxiety about my parent's lives than my own. I worry about them endlessly, though I have zero control over their attitudes and the situation in which they find themselves. Not just pertaining to my fathers physical health but far more with the behavior they exhibit.

Letting go of pain and anxiety is an art and a skill, probably weighted equally. There are steps to allowing yourself, to giving the GIFT to yourself, of not being miserable about things that you cannot control. Life is so short, and while I am young, I can wish for little more than to enjoy my youth and be a happy individual. I frequently have dreams that I am on dates with men or spending time with a boyfriend and my family barges in, ruining the interaction and destroying the potential for a relationship. Looking into my subconscious, it makes me wonder if the key to my building my own life and fruitful relationships is in fact, releasing the emotional energy tied to my family, specifically my Mom and Dad.

Identifying this is probably half the battle, so I credit myself being ahead of the game at twenty-five not only acknowledging this, but proactively releasing myself from the shackles. I guess in a way, I will only truly be free in my adult life when I just say, "what the fuck."





My Mom and I





Daddy's little girl, right?