Communication, Dwarfed

Since graduating college and being forced head-first into corporate America, I have a newfound hatred for the phony interaction that occurs with a person with whom you are not entirely comfortable. I am required to conduct myself professionally and display standard pleasantries with clients and customers for nearly forty hours per week, and I do so happily because it means I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. However, I find it appalling that I am forced to engage in this ridiculous social norm without adequate financial compensation. Read on, good blog-goers, because beneath this introduction you will find an entire post that is dedicated to my fantasy---a world without the dreadful, the loathsome, the unequivocally wretched...small talk.





First off, I will examine the social situation requiring the largest volume of small talk (ahem, bullshit) in a short period of time; the holiday party. Due to the social nature of the holiday season, I attended several of these festive little gatherings. Parties at which I knew very few people, and was forced to endure approximately thirty minutes to one hour of awkward conversation with strangers until the pleasant results of wine ensued. Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, especially when people drink excessively and pull the proverbial sticks out of their asses long enough to display a genuine glimpse of their personality, but for the most part, people stick to the basics. Here are some familiar "question and answer" routines that take place in cozy and beautifully decorated households all over the country at this time of the year:

Hi what is your name? Introduction shake hands, then...(ew.. germs where is my travel size hand-sanitizer?)

A) "How do you know so-and-so who lives here?"
B) "Do you live in town or are you just here for the holidays?"
C) "What do you do for a living?"
D) "What part of town do you live in?"

Then once all of the preliminary answers and comments and contrived compliments and phony displays of interest have been completed, one of a few things will happen:

A) Someone gets bored and thinks of an excuse to walk away (i.e." I'm going to get another drink," "I have to go to the bathroom," "I am going to go say hi to Bob over there and see how his sister is doing." blah blah blah)
B) The people figure out a common person to talk shit about or the conversation gets juicier in some way but always focuses on a third party or subject matter unrelated to the people chatting.
C) Someone else joins in who knows both parties well enough to ease the horrid awkwardness.


In the a perfect world for Little Liz, with minimal consequences for unbridled bluntness, the following would replace post-introductory small talk.

1. "You look boring. Please don't talk to me at all tonight."
2. "I will stand here and talk to you only so that I can later talk to your hot friend or, I would really like to jump on your super hot date/boyfriend/husband."
3. "Why did you wear that? It is dreadful."

OR, some other situations that I would like to omit small talk and really just, well, speak the truth..






Checking out at the grocery store:
"I don't give a shit if you've tried these potstickers or not. I'm tired and it sucks enough that I have to be at the grocery store rather than on my couch guzzling that new Malbec you're about to sell me.

With co-workers:
"My weekend was fine, I suppose. Well...it could have been better if I either got laid, won some money, or didn't have to deal with my crazy family...but yeah it was fine. Please refrain from telling me about your weekend."

On a first date:
"You are already annoying me. Can you just shut up while I enjoy this free meal?"

In the elevator:
"I don't ride the elevator to make friends."

I'm sure you get the picture.... I am also certain if I thought long and hard I could add more examples to the list but frankly, just pondering all of these scenarios is making me annoyed.

So I will leave it at that.